Approaching 33

On Sunday, I turn 33. And for some reason, this is the first birthday in my life where I am not exactly excited about it. Maybe it is the grey hairs I keep finding (ahh!!) or the fact that I'm out of shape, or the fact that my babies are growing. Maybe it is just a new year and I keep thinking about what I want the year to hold. Maybe it is just that I'm introspective by nature. I don't know. But for whatever reason, I'm stuck on what the next year holds. Last year was just about survival with two kids- adjusting to that, adjusting to no sleep, adjusting to my husband's schedule of working nights, adjusting to my own work demands. But I seem to be coming up for air.

Andrea at Super Hero Journalis an amazing blogger. Everytime I log on, I am inspired by what she has to say. She lives in Berkeley (which is fun for me) and is an artist, writer, mother and some sort of awesome. She has encouraged her readers to look away from what we "should" do in 2010 because it implies that something is fundamentally wrong with us. That we need fixing. She has encouraged us by sending us to links to think about our 'word of the year'. The word (or short phrase) that captures what we want out of 2010.

I love this idea.

I have mulled it over a bit and think that my word/phase is "PRESENT". I want to be fully present. With my husband. With my children. With my work. I spend so much energy stewing on the next steps that I sometimes am really not 'here'. I want to taste meals. Feel the sun on my skin. Actually just spend more time laughing and living than 'planning'.

This is hard for me. I am a list maker. I am a "to-do" person. It is a survival skill for me because I get overwhelmed.

Bottom line? I'm not a very good Buddhist in my mindfulness. But I want to be!

So 33 will come this weekend and I think that when I wake up, I will reflect on just how rich my life is. How grateful I am for my health and the health of my family members. How grateful I am to be in a warm (heated!) house with people I love. And the fact that while many of my close friends are far flung, I have great people in my life who support me and encourage me in so many ways. I will choose to be grateful for all of these things and more. And I will be aware of the way the sheets feel, the way my body feels.

And then with a heart full of gratitude and fully present in my toasty bed, I will then most likely attend to little people and thier bodily functions. :)

But it will be a start- this focusing on being present and full of gratitude for what and who I have RIGHT NOW.