Between reading that and training for my little 5K, I seem to be in a happier spot. In fact last weekend when I was NOT in a happy spot and being grouchy, Sam said to me, "Just go run. You will feel better."
He was right. Of course.
So I'm running and feeling a little bit better about the state of my body. But not by much.
And our house is slowing getting into shape. But not by much. (Our bathroom light blew out two weeks ago...I have taken dark, dark showers).
And our friendships exist where they didn't before. But they aren't the "old friends" that know you when.
So a lot is better. It is just that I'm impatient. Impatient for it all to 'fit into place'. Which it never will. And it really isn't supposed to. Because if it did, where is the journey? What fun is life?
And I really don't want to wish away these days. These days are just amazing gifts! And I have two healthy children, an able mind and body and an amazing husband. And I can already see how my five year old will one day be 15. And suddenly being silly at the dining room table won't bring peals of laughter but eye rolling.
But I think happiness is something you have to DO. Certainly that is one of her messages. That we have to think the way we want to feel. The other key message that I have learned but need to learn time and time again is to just be me. That's really all I can be. I'm fairly authentic. People feel I'm genuine. But I always worried about how I'm perceived. Too insecure? Too nerdy? Probably on both accounts. I'm working on just getting over it and being Me.
I feel like since June, I've been working on a lot. Thinking a lot. Thinking about options. Moving forward. The path is totally undefined. I can't even discern what I'm moving forward towards. I just feel like I'm moving. Searching. Seeking. And that feels good. We are getting things done at our house. Things are getting cleaned. Decisions are being made. Small ones but decisions none the less. I feel less 'stuck' even though for all intents and purposes nothing has really "changed". Perhaps it is the running that has made a difference. Perhaps the kids are getting to an age where they actually are more independent which creates some free space in my brain. I don't know what it is.
I'm just happier.
4 comments:
Yay, I love Gretchen Rubin and that book! Hers was one of the first blogs I began reading, and a lot of the things she writes have become mantras of mine, like "Do what ought to be done." I'm a lot happier for it, and I'm glad you are, too!
GOOD. Love reading this post. I am finding myself with tons of extra mental time lately and it's made me think a lot about our life.
You look happy in that photo and I am glad you are in a better space, even if you feel there is still better to come.
I can totally relate to so much of this post--the part about imagining Seren 15--I do this all the time with Lana--like I look at her and poof, she is 15 and then I see her again at 5 and I want to soak it into my brain so that I never forget her smile and adoration of me.
The part about how you are perceived--ooh that is a big one for me too. I am an open person and I am who I am, take it or leave it, but when I am getting to know people, I always walk away from the interaction wondering what they see. For me, a big part of it is b/c I am a SAHM and I have always related to people socially as a professional or via work interactions.
Ok, now that I have commented my own blog post, I'll stop.
But I am happy for you that you are mindful of your happiness and that you are on the right track.
What a great post Megan. First of all, I'm so happy for you that you have worked exercise into your life. I must make this happen for me, and yet . . . and yet . . . You are the motivation I need! It's so true that sometimes the subtlest changes are the ones that have the biggest impact. Sometimes it's circumstances, sometimes it's just a frame of mind. And just for the record, when it comes to perceptions, I know you online and in real life and I think you come off as kind, perceptive, thoughtful, cerebral (in a good way!), and GOOD. I greatly admire you!
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