Parenthood

Pretty much everynight I think to myself the same exact thoughts. And they are completely paradoxical. 
"Parenthood rocks my world. It is so much more fun than I ever imagined."
"I better try to be here. Now. In the present. I'm going to miss it all in the blink of an eye."
"I'm blessed."
"This sucks. This whole thing is just exhausting! It is like my life is one long ass to do list."
"I'm so tired. All I want to do is just take some time for myself. Screw everyone else' needs. I'm tired."
"This is the best. I am proud of my kids. The way they take on the world. Thier imagination. Thier creativity. The way they engage ideas."
"If I have to come home and deal with any more screaming, I may just scream."

How do we hold all of these thoughts at the same time? How do we create space for each of them? For gratitude and blessings on the one hand and the acknowledgement of our own exhaustion and needs on the other? It is like a daily roller coaster. Add in some guilt about not being with them enough (which rides its own ups and downs) and some stress about not being "good enough" and wow- it is amazing that our heads don't pop off!

I work to try to create space- consciously- to enjoy it. To enjoy it all. To laugh at my kids' antics. To giggle as they talk to themselves (or thier stuffed animals) through the monitors at night. To laugh when they laugh. To run after them and just tickle them. I do a good job of this.

But I also struggle to just "do" all of the time. And no one can be positive and upbeat all of the time! They are 2 and 5! It is ridiculous around here! It isn't calm. Or peaceful. Or zen like at all.

I think it is amazing that I think all of those thoughts on a daily basis. And how I end up the day depends on which emotion gets spun on the "spinner of parental emotions".

Whew.

It is just parenthood.