Monday, December 16, 2013

Life: Too fast

I think it is the time of year or the fact that my baby turned five and will head to kindergarten in the fall, or the fact that the magic of Christmas won't last forever. But I have a heavy heart when I think about how fast it is all going. And this blog, with its unwritten posts, is also a reminder of all of the events I haven't captured. It isn't so much that I feel 'guilty' about it as I feel that if I don't write it down, it gets lost. As if I don't trust my memory anymore. And that these moments, all of them, the crappy, the ugly, the sweet, will be boxed up, unsorted and jumbled. The box will then simply be labeled with a black sharpie marker "Childhood."

I don't want that. I want the kids to know how much I love them. How much I remember about the day to day. The day to day struggles (over eating), the stubbornness of children ,and the many many lessons that we are trying to teach a long the way. And the good things we do with them. As well as the times we fail them.

But life is so busy, so messy, so full of physical and emotional clutter, that the messages aren't blogged about. And time does slip away.

Tonight I think about last year, when we mourned the Newtown community. How much my heart physically ached this time last year. I went to bed sobbing. Not because I knew any of the victims. Not because I was shocked. But because they were burying first graders. Seren was a first grader. And it was and is incomprehensible to me that a person would shoot innocent children. Of course it happens all of the time. Every night and every day around the world. But last year, thinking about those caskets, still can bring me to tears.

And I think about the year we just had. The amazing year of life with both Seren and Wyeth. Swimming lessons, piano lessons, soccer with Dad as the coach in the spring and the fall, running the CRIM as a family, running a 5k as a family, watching them try new things, time with friends, beach time, back yard time, leaf raking time, laughing, crying out in frustration, putting the house on the market, taking the house of off the market, watching Seren start a new school, sending my preschooler to school, Halloween insanity, my trip to California, Sam's trip to Colorado, Sam turning 40, my dad turning 70, our trip to Michigan, our romantic getaway to Chincoteague, our time at Hershey Park and now racing towards Christmas.

How does that all happen? And how does it happen every year? And am I doing enough, on a daily basis, to just sit down? To stop. And just say 'thank you'. Thank you for our health. Thank you for my parents. Thank you for my in-laws. Thank you for a home that is full of love. Imperfect love but love. Thank you for heat on a cold night. Thank you for meals every single day. Thank you for jobs. Thank you for our capacity to think and feel and learn. We are not 'owed' any of this. All of us just enter into what a New York times author called the 'ovarian lottery'. We are just born. Some of us are born into poverty. Others into riches.

And so I'm grateful. Grateful for this year. Grateful for my family- both my immediate family and my extended "chosen" family. 

There is so much to do. So many items that I need to plan for this week. I spent 10 minutes describing my to-do list to my colleague today. But in all of my 'busy-ness', may all of my actions have an undercurrent of gratitude.

Merry Christmas!

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