Right there in the middle

I'm right there in the middle of the pregnancy. I am passed the half way mark and into the "looking big" phase. My underwear leave red marks. My zits taunt me and make me feel 14. I am simultaneously thrilled to bring a new one in and scared to death of the prospect. I am overwhelmed most of the time. With the first child, you are so ignorant of everything. I worried a lot but I always worry. This time you have a glimpse- a small idea- of what is ahead.

Last night I tossed and turned. One of the first nights of feeling like the belly was really in the way of being comfortable. My son was kicking like crazy well past 12:15. My body craved the rest but just couldn't get it.

I said to Sam last night, "How much longer do I have until we have him?" And part of me feels like I'm ready for him to arrive. To be with us. I am tired of being tired. I am getting big and uncomfy. The back pain is tiresome and the scare of Pre Term Labor is wearing.

But then there is the other side.

I CAN wait to see him. When you have had a preemie, I would argue that time is a bit different. I have been so closely monitored. Last week brought a shot Tuesday, an ultrasound Wednesday and a regular OBGYN appointment Thursday. I am happy for every week that goes by! Safely. Without cramping. Without non stress tests.

Yesterday morning, I took Seren to the playground. We had a complete blast. She went up and down on the swings. And had a great time on the slides. The fear that used to characterize her time at the park is gone. She went full throttle. As a result, I went full throttle. And since my doctors have said, "Look, your cervix is doing great. Enjoy yourself again". I did.

I came home hot and sweaty. I then felt a huge contraction and just about passed out from nervousnes. I put myself to bed with a gallon of water while Seren napped. It is normal to have these "braxton hicks" contractions but they really, really scare me. With Seren, I chalked all too many up to "just normal". This pregnancy, nothing really seems that normal to me until I clear week 35.

And so I want to not focus on the fatique and the discomfort. I just want to be happy with the amazing life inside. I don't know if I'll be blessed to have this experience again! So in uncomfortable moments the next 16 weeks seem far too far away. But really, 16 weeks is nothing- a blink in the grand scale of things. To feel and SEE the kicks makes me smile wide.

I am one blessed Momma.