Monday, April 20, 2009
Kicking My Butt- but Nevermind
I am exhausted. I don't sleep. I don't eat well. My pants don't fit. My shoes are so old. My skin is ashy with exhaustion. Two nights ago I laid down to sleep and I was so dizzy from fatigue and dehydration that the entire room spun. I don't know what else to do for my little man. Is he STILL hungry? Am I making enough milk? Should I give him solids? Why doesn't he seem satisfied? Am I making a huge mistake by trying to comfort him all night? Why doesn't he sleep? Why is he sick all of the time? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?? What am I doing wrong???
To add insult to injury, I woke up with a hickey on my boob from one of the middle of the morning "feedings". His cold is much better but he has some horrible yucky yeast on his neck. As the pediatrician told me on Friday, "He is a complete mess."
I felt like saying while choking back tired tears, "Join the club!" We ALL are complete messes.
Motherhood is kicking my BUTT!
I am reminded of a book that we read to Seren called "It was a Good Day"by Kevin Henkes. Seren has memorized this book and reads it verbatim. We love the simple tone. In the book, the yellow bird looses his favorite tail feather, the white dog gets tangled up in his leash, the brown squirrel drops his nut and the red fox looses his mother. The next page says, "BUT THEN"...
Suddenly the book takes a turn for the better. The white dog gets untangled, the squirrel finds the biggest nut ever and the fox finds his mother.
That is how today is going. Beth posted this post- about my post- and about her own realization that our little people are only little for so long. So while I can barely see due to be up AGAIN with Wyeth, instead of throwing in the pumping/breastfeeding towel for good, and instead of being tempted to just let him fuss and cry, I am going to try again. And I'm going to try to change my expectations.
I can be up. All night. Every night. I can do it. Because I want to be there for my kids. Because Wyeth is still so little. He has no sense of day and night. And because, as Beth said so well, there will be a day when they don't need me. But they need me now.