I am exhausted. I don't sleep. I don't eat well. My pants don't fit. My shoes are so old. My skin is ashy with exhaustion. Two nights ago I laid down to sleep and I was so dizzy from fatigue and dehydration that the entire room spun. I don't know what else to do for my little man. Is he STILL hungry? Am I making enough milk? Should I give him solids? Why doesn't he seem satisfied? Am I making a huge mistake by trying to comfort him all night? Why doesn't he sleep? Why is he sick all of the time? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?? What am I doing wrong???
To add insult to injury, I woke up with a hickey on my boob from one of the middle of the morning "feedings". His cold is much better but he has some horrible yucky yeast on his neck. As the pediatrician told me on Friday, "He is a complete mess."
I felt like saying while choking back tired tears, "Join the club!" We ALL are complete messes.
Motherhood is kicking my BUTT!
BUT THEN...
I am reminded of a book that we read to Seren called "It was a Good Day"by Kevin Henkes. Seren has memorized this book and reads it verbatim. We love the simple tone. In the book, the yellow bird looses his favorite tail feather, the white dog gets tangled up in his leash, the brown squirrel drops his nut and the red fox looses his mother. The next page says, "BUT THEN"...
Suddenly the book takes a turn for the better. The white dog gets untangled, the squirrel finds the biggest nut ever and the fox finds his mother.
That is how today is going. Beth posted this post- about my post- and about her own realization that our little people are only little for so long. So while I can barely see due to be up AGAIN with Wyeth, instead of throwing in the pumping/breastfeeding towel for good, and instead of being tempted to just let him fuss and cry, I am going to try again. And I'm going to try to change my expectations.
I can be up. All night. Every night. I can do it. Because I want to be there for my kids. Because Wyeth is still so little. He has no sense of day and night. And because, as Beth said so well, there will be a day when they don't need me. But they need me now.
2 comments:
I remember those feelings of exhaustion and barely holding my stuff together. One night, I fell asleep standing up while patting Nate's back. Tough tough tough, but Beth is right, it does pass quickly! Now I wonder how time has flown by so quickly!
Oh Megan--my heart goes out to you. Being sleep-deprived sucks. I think it's just gotten more bearable for me over time. Since William was a poor sleeper, I'm used to it. But I remember feeling as desperate as you the first time around. We have nights, like Friday night, when both kids are up and down all night. And the thing that drives me most batty is that there is no consistency--no rhyme or reason. One night, Seth will sleep until 4:30, and the next night, he's up at midnight, starving, and then again at 3:30, and then up for the day at 5:30. And William will sleep through one night just fine, and the next night, he's in our room at 1:00 a.m., wanting to sleep on top of me. Like you, I think, "There has to be something I'm doing wrong. Something I'm not noticing or doing right." I don't know what the answer is. I only know that while I'm not bragging or anything, I impress myself with how much I accomplish on so little sleep. My one piece of advice for you is to try harder to eat. Take control of the things you can, because that may help a lot. And as you know, while you're nursing, getting enough calories is really important! Of course, eating has never been a problem for me, so it's easy for me to say that! Seriously--try to stock up on nutrient powerhouses that have a lot of calories, like nuts, and lots of protien, too. If you're going to eat something, make sure it's something worth eating that your body needs. Try protein shakes or supplements--like those ensure drinks. I don't know--something that's easy for you to get down, that doesn't really require effort. Sorry for the novella--and the assvice. Just know I'm thinking of you, and it can't last forever, right? Our kids will sleep one of these days. At least you have one sleeper!
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