Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tough Stuff

Parenting is tough stuff. The last two nights have sucked. And I can't tell you why. My frustration level is through the roof. With everyone. And everything!

My job has been...challenging. I left the office with this one single thought:

A little kindness, humanity and humility goes a LONG way.

And it is damn true! Our company/culture needs to say the following more often:

I'm sorry
Hello! How are you?
Thank you

Seriously! This isn't rocket science! Get yourself together! Pretend you graduated from preschool! Play nice! Make friends! Apologize for mistakes you make and always say 'thank you'!


Then there is the home front. What on earth is going on here? Not only am I not home full time, I struggle with the 3 hours that I do have with them. And my husband makes dinner! So I don't even have that frustration/challenge. I just slide in the door, give hugs and start munching. I'm so lucky! I try to give Sam the next few hours 'off' so the he can not do childcare but rather, do his part time job. But we always come together to do family story before bed.

We switch back and forth who reads and we switch who puts each kid down. "Whose on who tonight?" is asked every night. The kids usually remember if Mom put them down last time or if Dad did.

Anyway, the point is we have had this routine since Wyeth stopped nursing (regularly) around 10 months. We share these responsibilities evenly and it works for us. But tonight Dadda just HAD to get Seren out of the bath. And Wyeth wanted Dad to button up his pjs. Only Dad would do. And they both were crying. What am I? Chopped Liver? And can't Sam just get a small break?

So tonight, like last night, I snapped at them.

And I instantly feel minuscule.

I've been blessed with these two kids and I still get frustrated? And I'm only there for 3.5 hours? And even that I can't manage?! I don't even deserve these two blessings if I can't pull it together.

I hate when I feel that rage. I'm better at recognizing it in myself and often take steps to defuse it...but I can't underestimate how insane that feeling is.

So what is it? What is it that is irritating me? Just a lack of feeling valued at the office? At home? A sense of wanting more but never, ever making the time to do other things that are important to me?

I remember having to do a class project on happiness when I was in fifth grade. We had to interview people about what made them happy. My dad said, "Doing what I want, when I want to."

I thought at the time, that was an oversimplified version of something else. Right? He had more than that on the subject, right? That was all he had? Really?

Let me tell ya, I get that now.

Tomorrow my heart will be full of gratitude and this little venting post will be published and I will have moved on. But for now I feel like I'm not being 'seen' for what I bring to the company and what I bring to the family. And the combination sucks.


Beth said...

Hugs Megan! Seems we are all singin' the blues these days. I LOVE your dad's definition of happiness and I SO get it. 'Nuff said. Yes, there is much to be grateful for, but that doesn't mean that the small moments don't just suck sometimes. Hang in there!

LauraC said...

I am having a tough January so this post resonates with me. The boys are at an age where they are almost rude in their expectations and it has me in a bad place.

Jon and I switch off completely every night, have been doing it for years. We realized we needed that mental downtime. I have almost NO mental downtime. It's straight from

get kids ready
take care of kids

for 14-15 hours straight every day. I hate having to rush out of bed, rush to get food, blah blah blah.

Jon's been home so I think I have gotten complacent. We'll be mostly apart in February so that will be a good time to get some appreciation back :)

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

You know, I think every parent has these moments. The kids know how to push our buttons, and frankly so do our colleagues. I also kind of wonder if the holidays set us up for this malaise in Jan and Feb as we struggle to make sense of our everyday lives without all the extra excitement, joy, or even the stress to use as an excuse.

I say, parenthood is HARD. Full-time jobs are hard. Put them together and you have a recipe for exhaustion and frustration some days. And other days life is wonderful.

You are smart to vent when you need to, and enjoy your blessings when it's over. I hope today and yesterday were better.

Hugs from one frustrated parent to another.

yukonsally said...

sometimes, i feel like an overeducated jungle-gym, comforter, food provider, mess cleaner-uper. hang in there and don't let the little stuff get you. take the long view for some relief for a while. sending hugs and APPRECIATION for you in my life, jennifer

Julie said...

I love that you remember what your dad said to you in fifth grade!