Tough Stuff

Parenting is tough stuff. The last two nights have sucked. And I can't tell you why. My frustration level is through the roof. With everyone. And everything!

My job has been...challenging. I left the office with this one single thought:

A little kindness, humanity and humility goes a LONG way.

And it is damn true! Our company/culture needs to say the following more often:

I'm sorry
Hello! How are you?
Thank you

Seriously! This isn't rocket science! Get yourself together! Pretend you graduated from preschool! Play nice! Make friends! Apologize for mistakes you make and always say 'thank you'!

Grr.

Then there is the home front. What on earth is going on here? Not only am I not home full time, I struggle with the 3 hours that I do have with them. And my husband makes dinner! So I don't even have that frustration/challenge. I just slide in the door, give hugs and start munching. I'm so lucky! I try to give Sam the next few hours 'off' so the he can not do childcare but rather, do his part time job. But we always come together to do family story before bed.

We switch back and forth who reads and we switch who puts each kid down. "Whose on who tonight?" is asked every night. The kids usually remember if Mom put them down last time or if Dad did.

Anyway, the point is we have had this routine since Wyeth stopped nursing (regularly) around 10 months. We share these responsibilities evenly and it works for us. But tonight Dadda just HAD to get Seren out of the bath. And Wyeth wanted Dad to button up his pjs. Only Dad would do. And they both were crying. What am I? Chopped Liver? And can't Sam just get a small break?

So tonight, like last night, I snapped at them.

And I instantly feel minuscule.

I've been blessed with these two kids and I still get frustrated? And I'm only there for 3.5 hours? And even that I can't manage?! I don't even deserve these two blessings if I can't pull it together.

I hate when I feel that rage. I'm better at recognizing it in myself and often take steps to defuse it...but I can't underestimate how insane that feeling is.

So what is it? What is it that is irritating me? Just a lack of feeling valued at the office? At home? A sense of wanting more but never, ever making the time to do other things that are important to me?

I remember having to do a class project on happiness when I was in fifth grade. We had to interview people about what made them happy. My dad said, "Doing what I want, when I want to."

I thought at the time, that was an oversimplified version of something else. Right? He had more than that on the subject, right? That was all he had? Really?

Let me tell ya, I get that now.

Tomorrow my heart will be full of gratitude and this little venting post will be published and I will have moved on. But for now I feel like I'm not being 'seen' for what I bring to the company and what I bring to the family. And the combination sucks.