Restless

There is something about the last few days of waiting for your life to change dramatically that can only be described as a time of restlessness. I'm swollen with fluid; my feet and my hands morph through the day. I have an odd limp that also comes and goes. My clothes no longer fit. I begged Sam to help me find something of his to wear because the thought of wearing "those pants" with "that shirt" another day put me over the edge.

Truth be told, it doesn't take much to put me over the edge.

It also doesn't take much for me to cry tears of gratitude. For the life that hasn't yet joined us and for the life that already has.

In short, someone should be paying Sam to live with me.

Sam and I sat on the couch on Saturday. Just a normal moment. We were listening to music. But since we do that so infrequently, we were really listening. And for a moment, I was back at age 24. I don't think I could have predicted at that point that I'd be sitting next to my husband, in our home, watching our daughter do active "gymnastics" moves while 8+ months pregnant. I am one blessed woman! It was as if I went back in time and had a flash of my future. For one moment, I stopped worrying about the cat hair on the couch, the laundry in the dryer and the fact that I needed to pay the bills. Time stood still for one moment and was so very, very sweet. In many ways, time flies.

On the other hand, each day, each moment feels like I'm that much FURTHER away from holding this baby in my arms. What is taking so long? What on earth is going on? I just want to know that he is alright. But I'm trying to embrace my roundness. Knowing that most likely, I won't be this "round" again, nor feel the internal kicks of acknowledgement. The whole experience is just wild.

And I, of course, wonder what the delivery will be like. AND WHEN! I really fear sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner and having my water break. At least then I could shout out, "The turkey is done!" We'll see.

Just an odd space- to know that your life will change. Hard not to think about that. Hard too to know how to embrace the newness/change that is to come. And so I wonder around the house, my "to-do" list in hand; not knowing what to do first or even if I have the energy to do any of the items on the list. Just a sense of feeling big, achy, not quite like myself. Should I nap? Run to the store? Sit? Eat? Clean something? Organize?

I'm restless.