Sacrifice and Parents

Years before I became a parent, I distinctly remember an informal conversation I had with my Dad. He was talking about a family friend who just announced that he was going to become a father himself. My father's response was really interesting to me. "He isn't ready yet. But he has 9 months. He is too selfish, as a parent, you have to become selfless."

That comment continues to stick with me. Selfless. I've posted before about a sense of "Self" in parenting and how I struggle with that.

But I think this informal conversation regarding the nature parenthood is right on; you place your children before yourself.

Perhaps it is no surprise, then, when my parents have volunteered for a total of 9 weeks of driving up to help us. With Sam working nights and me working days, we have desperately needed help while I was on bedrest. We came up with a plan that has had them leaving their home three nights a week. Sometimes four. One day a week they have taken care of Seren from the morning until the evening.

They are working to care for all of us. And we are talking QUALITY care here; running errands, getting our car fixed for us, obtaining an absentee ballot, making dinner every night, sewing, painting pieces of furniture, buying preemie outfits, picking up medication, returning preemie outfits, hanging curtains...I could go on. And they don't live next door; they drive 45 minutes through wacky traffic patterns to be with us in the early afternoons/evenings. They pick Seren up from her child care place, make us dinner, help with bath and bed and then return home. They often return after 9:30pm.

They must be exhausted.

We have been so lucky to have them here with us. And they do all of this without complaint! "Oh sure, honey, we are glad to do it for you all. We love you all."

And the thing is? I know they mean it- that they would do it all over again if they had to. They are just like that; they don't see it as sacrifice. We are so lucky to have them.

Restless

There is something about the last few days of waiting for your life to change dramatically that can only be described as a time of restlessness. I'm swollen with fluid; my feet and my hands morph through the day. I have an odd limp that also comes and goes. My clothes no longer fit. I begged Sam to help me find something of his to wear because the thought of wearing "those pants" with "that shirt" another day put me over the edge.

Truth be told, it doesn't take much to put me over the edge.

It also doesn't take much for me to cry tears of gratitude. For the life that hasn't yet joined us and for the life that already has.

In short, someone should be paying Sam to live with me.

Sam and I sat on the couch on Saturday. Just a normal moment. We were listening to music. But since we do that so infrequently, we were really listening. And for a moment, I was back at age 24. I don't think I could have predicted at that point that I'd be sitting next to my husband, in our home, watching our daughter do active "gymnastics" moves while 8+ months pregnant. I am one blessed woman! It was as if I went back in time and had a flash of my future. For one moment, I stopped worrying about the cat hair on the couch, the laundry in the dryer and the fact that I needed to pay the bills. Time stood still for one moment and was so very, very sweet. In many ways, time flies.

On the other hand, each day, each moment feels like I'm that much FURTHER away from holding this baby in my arms. What is taking so long? What on earth is going on? I just want to know that he is alright. But I'm trying to embrace my roundness. Knowing that most likely, I won't be this "round" again, nor feel the internal kicks of acknowledgement. The whole experience is just wild.

And I, of course, wonder what the delivery will be like. AND WHEN! I really fear sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner and having my water break. At least then I could shout out, "The turkey is done!" We'll see.

Just an odd space- to know that your life will change. Hard not to think about that. Hard too to know how to embrace the newness/change that is to come. And so I wonder around the house, my "to-do" list in hand; not knowing what to do first or even if I have the energy to do any of the items on the list. Just a sense of feeling big, achy, not quite like myself. Should I nap? Run to the store? Sit? Eat? Clean something? Organize?

I'm restless.

Living Each Day with Anticipation

The best thing about being towards the end of a pregnancy is each day is lived with the thought of "Is this the day that I go into labor??!" How cool is that?

Usually the first thought that goes through my mind is, "Wow, I'm tired." But now I am hopeful!

These past few days have been so strange! I feel so exhausted and BIG. I forget that I extend out as far as I do. Things that fall on the floor stay there. And my face, feet and hands are swollen. I never got this far last time and can't imagine being overdue!

But it feels so good to know that with some degree of confidence, I can return the preemie clothes that my mother bought her grandson to be.

And having this time with JUST Seren is wonderful. I am cherishing just being with her. Last night, as I was reading to her on my lap she turned to me and said, "Mom! Why are you holding me like that?"

"Like what, honey?"

"Mom! I'm slipping!"

She was. She was slipping off what little lap I have left. Poor thing. She concluded (correctly), "Baby brother is too big."

So everyone is feeling the effect of my massive middle; my poor husband included who has to endure my daily complaints as I get dressed in the morning for work.

I anticipate just feeling relief when the day finally comes. I hope I go into labor spontaneously. With Seren, my water broke all over the place so it was obvious what was happening. I hope something similar happens this time. I can't wait to share our birth story!

Loving Normal

I'm still here and still pregnant. I'm full term! 37w 3 days. I can't believe it! It is awesome! My friends are calling and my parents' friends call too. A family friend called my dad the other day. She asked, "So, how are Megan and Sam?"

"Well, the good news is, they are still pregnant. The bad news is, they are still pregnant."

That kinda sums it up in a nutshell. After months of thinking he'd be early, I can't get over the fact that here I still here. Will I need to be induced!? It is hard to describe the change in mindset.

I have tried reverse pyschology with my son. "Fine, don't come out. We'll be fine here. Come when you feel like it."

I have also tried scolding, "Ok, Mr. Hotshot, get your tush out here! What are you? Mr. Drama?"

And then I tried begging, "Please!? We want to meet you! We can't wait to hug you!"

Oh well. He will come when he feels like it.

This weekend was decidedly normal. It was great! We saw friends! We entertained! I even raked leaves for an hour. Seren was funny and we did normal things like run errands, play with our farm set, play with playdoh, etc. She constantly asks me to repeat myself. "What, Mommy? What?" I think she likes the attention she gets when I repeat the same phrase or question again.

I got a pedicure- something I have wanted for a long time. I took care of myself. I didn't stress. I slept. I napped. Sam and I went on a date- a long overdue dinner OUT. I didn't think we'd get that chance while I was on bedrest so it was a very sweet moment to just hold hands by candlelight. It was much needed- this pregnancy has been stressful on us both.

I did have some contractions which made me VERY excited but like always, they go away. I'm just glad I had 'em because I was worried that because I am still pregnant and NOT having contractions as often, that my uterus no longer remembered how to contract! So at least THAT worry is put to bed.

So while I'm still a bit restless, normal is good.

Why, Mommy, Why?

Well, it happened, we have a curious toddler in the house. Seren asks "why" for every reason, for everything. I was listening to my dad read her a story one night. After each sentence, she asked, "Why?" Sometimes, my quick witted Dad, answered her creatively. By page 14, he was reduced to saying, "I don't know." or "Just because." It is quite the developmental milestone -this "why"- phase.



Awesome!



In other news, I'm still round. I'm still pregnant. No one can believe it. After 8 weeks of having contractions every time the medication wore out, two hospitalizations and much emotional stress, I'm still here. I went to the office this week (two days) because the idea of spending yet another day at home was driving me nuts. Plus, I find it difficult to concentrate on any thing. And I miss PEOPLE.



Two nights ago, I had contractions for 3 hours- one contraction every 10 minutes. Nice and steady. I got excited! I packed my now DUSTY bag! But nope, not to be. I thought it would have been cool to have a son on a full moon on 11/11. AND my inlaws, who live in Michigan were in town. How cool to have them here for the BIRTH.



So I am ultimately very very lucky but am getting a bit frustrated by all of these tricks my body is playing. I feel like my son is just MESSING with me. The effect of the progesterone is supposed to be done by today or tomorrow. In that, if the shots did anything, the effect of them would be worn off. After SO many false starts, I'm not counting any chickens. I just know that I will look forward to hugging my CHUBBY baby.

Full term here I come!

FREEDOM!

As of today, I will have been on bedrest for 56 days. 56 days people! I'm lucky that I have been able to shower and walk up and down the stairs twice a day. And I'm lucky that my son is still inside me. I am VERY blessed.

But 56 days?! What have you done since September 12th? It is funny living like this; no traffic, no driving, no going to the ATM, no planning on what to bring to work for lunch, no child care pick ups, drops off, etc. I feel disconnected from the world and the rat race. I have read books (!) in the evenings instead of doing chores. I have caught up with my photo albums. I have cleaned out my in-box. And I have worked full time. I have drafted my holiday letter! But I have MUCH to do. And I feel like "I had 8 weeks to myself and I have not done it ALL?" But I suppose it is hard to do when you are supposed to sit/lay down. And there is a lot of guilt about asking your already very busy and taxed family to do more.


So folks, what would YOU do if you were in your house for 8 weeks and only "out" for doctor's appointments, trips to the hospital, and two trips to Dunkin Donuts. :) Or as Seren's calls it, "Mommy's coffee store".

And TODAY friends, as of 11 am, I am FREED from my bed/couch. We did it! The doctor is pleased; we are pleased. No more shots. No more meds. No more bedrest! Now we get to have "normal" lives and wait for our little man! I wonder if this is really going to happen! I was convinced when I woke up this morning that I would give birth tonight based on the number and frequency of the contractions. (Every 5 minutes!) But now after a visit to the doctor's, I feel better- a huge sigh of relief.

Now that I'm FREE, here is what I want to do:

**Eat dinner out with my hubby- just the two of us

**Pick up my daughter (already DONE)

**Put my daughter to bed

**Get an awesome pedicure

**Have a meal with friends

**Drive my car

**Shop at Target

**Drink a glass of wine (oh wait, I'm just freed, I'm still pregnant)

**Go to the park and push Seren on the swings

What else?! This seems like a lame list but I just want to do the basic things. I'm free! I'm free! As I emailed my friends, I may do something "radical" and walk around the block!

YAHOO! Thanks for all of your comments and emails!

YES!!

This pretty much sums it all up for me this morning!

Halloween 2008

Our Halloween was a bit more low key then in years past. No Castro. No drinking. No late night parties. That being said, we DID make home made cards, did make Ghosts to hang in our kitchen, did carve a pumpkin and did go trick or treating.

Not bad for bedrest, right? My Mom and Dad also rented me a wheelchair so I could enjoy the evening! Very, very cool!

The morning of Halloween, as I previously posted, Seren was VERY excited. When we woke up from her nap, we got her in her Halloween costume! She was Madeline from the books! She LOVES Madeline and can recite parts of the story if you prompt her.

Here are some shots of our Halloween.

Can you guess what I was dressed up as?

What? Still no guesses? How about this?

I'm a baker with a bun in the oven! :)