Thursday, September 6, 2007


Perhaps one of the most challenging things that I go through is what I call the seperation of church and state. Which has nothing to do with either. But it is the complete divide in my brain between home and work. All of my life, I have had the ability to focus on one thing and do that one thing well. When I'm at work? I work well. When I'm at home, I do home well. Motherhood, to some degree, has changed that. Certainly I think about my daughter all of the time at work. But I think that part of my ability to do this 'seperation' between the two worlds is purely protective. I am protecting myself.

Because if I think about the fact that I'm at work and not at the zoo, or not playing on the playground or not making friends with other local moms, or not home with my daughter bonding, and not being her 'everything', then I start to cry. After months of crying, I decided I wouldn't do that anymore. So I have this guard up- so that I can just trust that when I"m home, I'll give my 100% and when I'm at work, I'll do the same.

The rub, of course, is that giving 100% all of the time, in every arena, is impossible. And you can end up feeling shitty about yourself as a mother AND as a worker. But that is another post.

1 comment:

LauraC said...

If it makes you feel any better, I go through this too! We constantly revisit the working decision. For the most part, I have made my peace that me working is the right thing for my family.

When I start to get really down about it, I make a list of all the positives of me working. The top thing on my list is that when I am home, it is 100% quality time. The boys have my undivided attention. We spend our weekends doing things as a family.

The worst part about mom guilt is that no matter what you do, you're going to feel guilty!